THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A FRIEND WITH BENEFITS!
I have been single for all of 5 years now. Throughout most of that time, I didn't want to be serious with anyone and thought all I needed was a friend with whom I can get some nakey time, no strings attached. The reality of my day to day life was- kids, work, keeping in good graces with the ex, running errands, cleaning house... blah, blah, blah. On a basic level, I was content with that pattern and did not want to complicate my situation by involving someone else who would require care, i.e.- a boyfriend. There was no part of me that wanted to add any unnecessary drama into my life. Bottom line, I wanted the perks of having a mate, without committing to the daily responsibilities of a relationship. So I thought, I need a FRIEND WITH BENEFITS!
You know, someone with whom you are familiar and friendly, that you also have a non-committal, sexual relationship.
But do those types of scenarios actually work outside of porn?
First let's break down the phrase “Friends with Benefits”. To me, this indicates that whomever you are partnering with sexually, is actually a friend. Let me further define:
Friend -noun
Typically exclusive, because if you think about your circle of friends, you do not have sex with many of them, right?! A friend is someone you meet for drinks, go bowling with, text stupid memes and talk about if someone at work pissed you off. I am friends with a number of guys at work. We talk shit to each other, make fun of our coworkers and discuss politics. I would not have sex with any of them. There is a line and understanding of the parameters of our friendship. In short, the word friend indicates that there is no physical intimacy involved.
But let's say, within your circle of friends, you have a guy friend that you hang with socially, but are not interested in dating. They're single, you're single. One night, you are both out and about, have a couple drinks and hookup. Afterwards, you mutually discuss that that was great and want to continue hooking up, no strings attached. This is the point where things get murky. If you were friends who did activities together before, do you continue to do activities together now, or does that change? When you are out together, do you show affection in public, or completely keep it hands off? If you want to go to a movie and ask your FWB, is that a date? What if you go to karaoke and want to leave with someone else? Is that acceptable, or will there be hurt feelings? Can you remain pals if someone decides this no longer works for them?
Do these types of relationships end up working? I doubt it. I'm betting someone catches feelings, or changes their expectations. There is just too much personal connection for it to be meaningless sex, when you spend time socially and in the bedroom. Now, can we have a Fuck Buddy, Sex Associate, Booty Call? Sure. If that's what you're looking for, be completely honest with the other person and use a phrase that indicates no relationship other than someone to help scratch the itch. No social time, sex only. That, I can understand.
Personally, I have yet to find someone who works for me in this capacity. Either I get too needy, or they do. Good communication or not, people have emotions and feelings change. I’ve been stuck in these endless loops of confusion too many times. At this point, I steer clear of this silliness.
Keeping it Friend zone, or Bone zone….I mean, unless I change my mind…;)
